Today I Become Death
by Neferit
Summary: Shepard and Joker finally have time for speaking about how the Reaper invasion ended the way it did. It's not a very happy dialogue. Post-Destroy ending. Kink meme prompt inspired.


**A/N:** Written for a prompt over at masseffectkink meme, which stated: "Joker finally gets Commander Shepard down to confront them about the ending of Reaper invasion, and death of EDI and geth."

**Diclaimer:** I own nothing - but at least some cookies are nearby.

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**Today I Become Death**

People in general hated to do any kind of decisions. When it comes to deciding anything, most of the time the just whine and complain how it's impossible for them to decide, and call for someone to do the decision for them.

And when this someone finally arrives and actually does the decision nobody else wanted to make, they just point fingers and call for their blood for the way they decided.

That was one of the reasons why Allison Shepard disliked speaking about her decisions, and the reasons which led her to it. She just decided and that was it, period. No need to think of could-have, should-have. No need to cry over spilt milk.

But now she had to speak about one of the most difficult decisions of her whole life, and her reasons, and she truly didn't feel easy about it; first, she was still nearly helpless, and second, the decision in question was of the kind a person never in position of command would understand, because they would never be forced to make it.

Why did the Reaper invasion end in the way it did.

Joker sat by her hospital bed, and his whole posture screamed 'murderer' at her.

"Shepard, how... how could you decide that way?!" was his question. As if 'I destroy all synthetic life' had been the easiest decision of all times. Something similar to decision _'I'll take pancakes and coffee for breakfast'_.

"With great difficultry," she told him. Her reaction to new wave of reproach and silent tears she first reacted with silence, before the words started flowing from her mouth.

"Do you remember Virmire, Joker?" she asked in the pause Joker made to take a breath. He couldn't understand what exactly his commander meant by that, but he nodded. Yes, he remembered Virmire. His friend, Kaidan Alenko, died there at Saren's facility when he was making sure their bomb would go off. Afterwards, Shepard looked pretty bad, according to Chackwas she nearly didn't eat or sleep, until the doctor threatened to take her command away until she eats and sleeps properly for unfitness to command. Should she have any problems with that, she would gladly give her some sedatives, and an IV, until she gets back on her feet again.

Back then, he told her he wouldn't be able to make a decision like that himself. She made it, and still bore consequences of her decision.

"Back then, I became death, destroyer of worlds," she whispered. "Same with Crucible - I must have made a decision."

Once again, silence unfolded over them. "Why is it always me, who has to decide who dies, Joker?" asked Shepard. He was unable to answer that. In truth, in that moment he was unable to even look at her. Without single word, he stood up and went to the door.

Yet, standing in the door he looked back. Shepard sat up, her back straight, tears streaming freely from her eyes, as she gazed upon a PAD in her lap. He reconized the picture on it - it was photography he made himself long time ago. It was from the last shoreleave before Virmire; Shepard, Pressley, Williams and Alenko stood by the starmap, each of them a glass of something in their hands (even if it was against regulations) and all of them had been smilling widely. Only now he realized how close Shepard and Kaidan stood to each other, and that the blush on their cheeks wasn't caused only by the alcohol.

He left.

As soon as it was possible, he escaped among the stars again, to the bridge of first spaceship in need of a pilot. He couldn't forgive Shepard, even if - like back after Virmire - he understood her motivation.

When he learnt Shepard died after critical failure of the last Cerberus implants that still worked in her body, he felt a wave of satisfaction washing over him. "That was for EDI," he thought.

But just like before, it didn't bring him any relief.


End file.
